SO, YOU INTEND TO VISIT EVERY THEATRE IN LONDON, WITHIN A YEAR?
I HAVE QUESTIONS.
I thought you might. Hit me with your best one.
… hit me with your second best one.
OKAY, HOW ARE YOU DEFINING LONDON?
Ah! Excellent question. I’ll taking advice from the ultimate authority on this matter… TFL. If it has a tube station, Overground, DLR or London bus stop within walking distance, I’m counting it. There are a few tricky ones that I’ll be taking on a case-by-case basis, but for the most part, if my Oyster card can get me there, I’m classing it as London.
AND WHAT ARE YOU CONSIDERING A THEATRE?
That’s a hard one! And one I’ve thought a lot about. I’ve decided to discount purely music venues, otherwise we might as well give up now. Likewise comedy and cabaret venues. Or lecture halls. To be on the list, they have to have a publicly available performance of either theatre or dance (i.e. one that the general public can book a ticket for, or just rock up to sans ticketage). You can see the full list here (there’s a form at the bottom to let me know if I missed one… or more). Current count is 251 but that includes a few potential new openings that I’m keeping an eye on. Everyone pray for delays!
WAIT... THEY JUST NEED THE ONE applicable PERFORMANCE TO BE ON THE LIST?
More would make my life easier, sure, but one is enough.
WOW. HARDCORE. WHAT IF A VENUE ONLY PUTS ON A SINGLE PERFORMANCE that FULFILS the criteria DURING THE YEAR, AND YOU MISS IT?
That would really suck.
WOULD YOU TRY AGAIN THE NEXT YEAR?
AND WHAT IS THE YEAR?
WHAT YEAR ARE YOU DOING THIS IN?
... this year...?
Have you just woken up from a coma?
THIS IS THE INTERNET. YOU CAN’T DELETE ANYTHING. SOMEONE COULD WELL BE READING THIS IN 2513.
… Are you reading this in 2513? Are you a time-traveller? What’s going on?
NO. I'M YOU. YOU WROTE THESE STUPID QUESTIONS. AND APPARENTLY THE EVEN MORE STUPID ANSWERS. JUST… TELL ME WHAT YEAR YOU’RE DOING THIS pointless PROJECT OF YOURS.
No need to be quite so mean... It's 2019.
THANK YOU. OKAY, I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I’ve been threatening to do it for years. And it’s getting increasing difficult claiming to be a theatre nerd when I haven’t been to half the theatres in my own city. It also forces me to go to all those long running shows that I’ve been putting off for… well, years, as I knew I’d have decades to get around to seeing them and there’s always something newer and more exciting to go to. Plus, some deep spiritual reason about forging personal connections with all the different guises of the theatre community… or whatever wankery theatre people are sporting this season.
YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO SEE THE SHOWS?
Yes, of course.
YOU COULD JUST VISIT THE THEATRE. CHECK IT ALL OUT, SNAP A PIC OR TWO.
LEAVE, I GUESS.
And head right off to the next one?
YEAH! YOU COULD CRACK THROUGH TEN A DAY IF YOU REALLY MADE AN EFFORT. HAVE THE WHOLE LOT DONE IN A MONTH.
YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY SAYING THAT YOU’RE GOING TO WATCH A SHOW IN EVERY THEATRE IN LONDON? IN A YEAR?
I kind of think I am.
SO YOU’LL BE SEEING THE MOUSETRAP?
AND MAMMA MIA!?
AND THE LION KING?
… I suppose.
BUT YOU HATE THE LION KING!
Yeah… I really hadn’t thought this through.
MAYBE YOU’LL END UP LOVING IT.
Now who’s being ridiculous?
I NEVER SAID YOU WERE BEING RIDICULOUS.
You thought it.
LOTS OF PEOPLE DO LIKE THE LION KING, YOU KNOW. LOVE IT EVEN.
It’s just friggin' Hamlet. With lions.
LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE HAMLET TOO…
No they don’t.
SO, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS AGAIN?
I honestly can’t remember.
IS IT BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF?
That sounds highly plausible.
BUT, DON’T YOU HAVE FRIENDS OR FAMILY YOU’D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH?
You've already asked that.
YES, BUT... I'M STILL NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.
That makes two of us then.